The Journey Through Anxiety

It has been such a long time since I’ve posted, and I can’t wait to bring this blog up to date! It’s been a long and happy year so far, with only a few bumps along the way. Without too many details right this moment, I’ve been dating an incredible woman who has become quite the distraction for my life. More on that later.

Despite the happiness my love has brought me, I’m still struggling with my anxiety and depression. Of course, there’s not a magic cure to get rid of it, but her support and love makes an impact where it matters most. I’m still learning a lot about myself, about my anxiety and depression, and about what helps. It’s a journey I’ll always be on, but I wouldn’t want to change that. We can’t truly develop as an individual without going through some struggles; we will come out stronger all the more for it.

In regards to my self-care, I’ve slipped. I thought being with my love would help ease my depression and anxiety; it did for awhile, but it doesn’t like to be forgotten. My blog was set aside, my drawings left unfinished, and the novella I was writing sat on a shelf since January. I’m working now to fix those mistakes and return to the various modes of self-care I was using. Also, I’m still attending therapy regularly, and my relationship with my therapist continues to grow each time we meet.

Recently, my best friend recommended a book on anxiety. Like me, she struggles with her anxiety and she found herself liking this book. It’s called First We Make the Beast Beautiful by Sarah Wilson.

Over the last weekend I finally acquired the book from the public library and read it. I never realized how much of my stress was truly anxiety! Of course, everyone’s experience with it can be a little different, but I found myself nodding my head a lot to what Wilson discussed. It was a very courageous account of what it is like to live with anxiety.

When I read books like this one, especially any of Brené Brown’s books, I always keep notes as I read because you never know if you will find something useful or noteworthy. Here are some thoughts on the book…

At the beginning of the book she talked about how depression and anxiety is generally viewed culturally in the United States. She gave a lot of statistics about how many people struggle with each; very few people that I personally know have never believed to have struggled with one, the other, or both. She found that a lot of people struggle with anxiety. It was discovered that anxiety was more “accepted” in order to keep up with today’s fast-paced society, but it does a lot of damage. I like this quote of hers: “Depression is stigmatized, anxiety is sanctified as propping up modern life, which ironically sees depression treated as a legitimate illness, and anxious left in a cesspool of self-doubt and self-flagellation for not being better at coping with life.” This quote rings so incredibly true. We treat depression as an illness, but you’re a bad parent, employee, friend, etc. if you can’t keep up with today’s fast pace life. You survive on way more caffeine than necessary, little rest or sleep, and unhealthy food so you can continue a lifestyle of always rushing with no self-care. It’s a perfect environment for anxiety to creep up and stress you out about the uncertainty of the future. We’re no longer present in the now, but always rushing towards the future without stopping to take a breath.

Unlike depression, anxiety is harder to treat because it’s still unknown what in the body creates this anxiety. However, there are still some ways to cope with the anxiety with or without medication. She gave a list of things she discovered that helped her and others she interviewed cope. They included cooking just to cook, yoga, exercise, sex, meditation, and handwriting things. I can personally agree to some of those for helping relieve some anxiety. I enjoy baking, which calms me down and brings joy to the people I share the desserts with. I extremely like walks through nature, especially at the local lake where you can sit by the water and listen to the waves gently roll onto the shore or the various birds that you can hear. And I love handwriting things…this blog was handwritten! Soft yoga is on my list to try as well as meditation.

Wilson talked about a type of meditation called Vedic style meditation. Instead of focusing only on your breathing, you recite a mantra in your head. Each time your mind wanders, you pull it back by starting your mantra over. For a brain like mine that has trouble staying silent, reciting a mantra sounds like a good way of meditating.

She also mentioned using grateful techniques, which I would love to use for my depression too. Before you go to bed or when you wake up you find three things you’re grateful for. It can be anything or anyone. If you do this daily and build it into a habit, then you’ll slowly train your brain to find the positive in life instead of the negative. My “happy journal” does this for me, but I intend on trying to make this a daily, spoken or thoughtful habit each night before bed.

Just a side note…I recently saw on Facebook about a woman whose boyfriend took the extra mile to help her think positive. He bought empty prescription capsules and filled them with slips of paper with positive thoughts written on them. Whenever she needed something positive, she would open the homemade prescription bottle he made for her and she opened up a capsule to read a slip of paper. I’ve heard of others writing down every time they were grateful or something positive happened to them, then they would stick these in a jar to open at the end of the year. Sadly, my willpower lacks dreadfully on trying to keep up with something like this, but it’s a great thought for anyone wanting to try!

If you have anxiety like I do, then making decisions, especially when the plans are uncertain, is difficult. Wilson found this true too. I get so anxious when I’m asked to make simple choices, even if it’s simply what I want to cook for dinner. Sometimes I worry too much about what my love will want for dinner while other times I just simply don’t know. I get extremely anxious when people want me to visit them, but then I’m not sure what the plans are for when I get there. Personally, I have to plan my time ahead down to what I’m doing nearly every hour. To the dismay of some people around me I’ll do this days in advance. Wilson suggested surrounding yourself with sturdy and firm people who will sometimes make the decisions for you or provide detailed, firm plans when wanting to spend time with you. Now, I don’t think you should never make a choice for yourself…you can’t depend on someone to do that for you all of the time. But it would be nice if now and then someone suggests what to have for dinner or what we should do. I would simply like someone to understand when there are times I simply don’t know what to do without pushing me to make a decision one way or another. That only pushes me into flight mode.

Wilson suggested people with anxiety build boundaries. They are…

1. Check emails twice a day – try not to check your email every five minutes or your social media just as much. You’ll make yourself anxious when you always worry about whether you’ve been emailed or not. Also, leave an out of the office notification whenever you won’t be checking your email for a period of time, even overnight. And for those trying to reach you for a response, include in your email notification that they should try again after a specific time. Put the responsibility of reaching out on them and not yourself.
2. Use the 10 a.m. rule – don’t do anything for anyone else before 10 in the morning. Focus on your self-care and what you need to do before you get started with other people’s needs.
3. Live somewhere slow – move to an area that’s not as busy as a city or suburb would be to decrease every day stress.
4. Create an “investment bucket” – stick modes of technology, such as your iPad, in an area after a specific time and don’t return to it until the next day. For example, set a time frame to avoid time on the blue screen, like 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.
5. Leave your phone at home – you will become less independent on using your phone as a distraction and being present in the here-and-now.
6. Get a room alone – retreat to a hotel room or any place alone once a month to focus on your self-care and your needs. Use it as your time to recharge.
7. Create a “think week” – take a week to remove yourself from your daily life and retreat somewhere for a week to avoid interaction with people and focus on your needs, your goals, and yourself.
8. Create a sabbath – choose a day out of each week that is exclusively for you. Mark it off on your calendar every week. Don’t schedule anything for that day. Use it as a day of rest and self-care.
9. Don’t be Google – stop feeling like you have to provide answers to every question someone asks you, especially those that they can find out themselves if they put in the effort to search on their own. Ignore emails or texts where people ask you stupid questions or are too lazy to find out themselves.
10. Communicate less through technology – Wilson said to email less, but this should be extended towards all modes of technological communication. Stop always reaching out to people and focus on yourself and your here-and-now. Be comfortable being with yourself.
11. Own less – decrease the amount of stuff you own.

Looking at this list, some things are quite easy to follow. For me, taking the responsibility off of myself to help answer every question someone has would be a relief. However, quite a few things on the list aren’t as easy when it comes down to the every day working person. The only downside to Wilson’s book and suggestions was that she comes from a privileged place where any or all of those items on the list could be easily managed. Not to discount her own anxiety and experience because that’s the last thing I want to do, but the every day person who lives paycheck to paycheck can’t simply take a day or week off to remove themselves from life or to pick up and move to another area. For me, my anxiety would shoot through the roof trying to do follow some of those items on the list because I don’t have the finances to back it up like Wilson does. But that does encourage me to find other things that would help me every day.

Something I’ve learned from Brené Brown’s work is that you can’t run from your problems. You have to open yourself up to vulnerability and sit with the uncomfortable, the uncertainty, and the imperfect. Wilson discovered the Japanese called this Wabi-sabi, when you’re able to find beauty in imperfection and impermanence. It’s an idea Brown referred to often when discussing shame and vulnerability. It’s scary to sit in an anxious situation; your flight reaction kicks in, but if you fight it and sit still, then you’ll learn it’s not all that bad. You can do it a little at a time. If you practice doing this enough, you can slowly rebuild bad habits by forcing yourself not to give in to anxious habits.

Overall, the general idea of Wilson’s book was wonderful. I found it so incredibly informative, and it helped me remember I’m not alone in the journey of anxiety. It’s something quite a few people cope with; some are just acknowledge it better than others.