A Problem of a Confused, “Crazy” Introvert

I wonder if people realize how hard it is to reach out for help or maybe just to talk to someone. I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. I had a small group of close friends while growing up who I told everything to, but “me time” was extremely important to me. I was what I guess can be considered a wall flower in class; I sat quietly and observed everyone around me. I was not necessarily eavesdropping, but I was not comfortable talking to new people, and I was content to just observe.

It’s funny how I am an introvert who almost craves company. My therapist is always great to remind me we are social creatures wired for interaction. That is what I contribute my craving for company to. I love time when it is just me. I can think. I am allowed to get lost in my head. I can indulge in what I am thinking. However, there are times where I just want to be talking to someone. I want to be around people. I want hugs. I want to know that I am not really the only person in this world.

How do you reach out to people in that way? My group of friends I text are dwindling down to just a few. I am certain that is because I am a roller-coaster, and who wants that in their life? I text two people altogether. One is really busy with her friends and work while the other I rarely hear back from. How do you reach out to other people? Can I just jump up and down with a large, neon sign asking people to TALK TO ME? Am I the only one who feels this way?

I was diagnosed officially with bipolar type two today. We knew I had a mood disorder, but I was never officially evaluated. Depression? Anxiety? Yep, we knew I had them. But we never really had a name pinpointed down for my moods except for bipolar depression. Now we know. Fantastic. If it has a name, maybe it can be fixed, managed, something. After getting diagnosed, I went to campus to print off reading material for work because I am running out of books to read. I pop my USB jump drive in the computer. Within seconds, my drive gets hot, and the computer won’t read it. Instantly, I begin freaking out. No matter how small it is, it is world-ending for me. Granted, this drive is extremely important. Every college paper I wrote, including my English Capstone revisions and history Capstone paper, is gone. Every short story I have written is gone. Everything ever important to me is gone. So naturally I begin freaking out. I walk out of the building crying. I go home and instantly break down. I beg for it to work. I pray to Mom to make it work. I beat my fist on the table willing it to work. The lack of sleep, a stressful day, and hot weather has done it for me. The world is ending while I crumble on the floor because my jump drive is gone. I have the urge to call or text someone who can tell me it is going to be ok. I want to drive somewhere just to get a hug from someone I am close to. Does anyone else have moments like these?

Sometimes I have to wonder if I really am crazy. Then I realize why I have lost most of my friends because maybe I really am crazy, and they figured it out before I did. But my therapist ensures me that I am not crazy. She is pretty smart, so I will take her word for it.

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2 thoughts on “A Problem of a Confused, “Crazy” Introvert

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  1. Wow, big day for you! 🙂 I hope it becomes less stressful. As for the friends thing, I think it’s compounded by the fact that it’s also that time in our lives that friends start to drift apart, just as everyone starts with careers/family/passions and all of that. All of my friends just moved away, all at once, because of graduation! So I can totally understand wanting a big neon sign, too!

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  2. I don’t thin; you are crazy at all .. if I was you .. I would have cried too ..
    And about friendship .. it’s hard to find the friend who understand that you want her to ask you so you can start speaking .. because it is hard for you to open the topic yourself .. but for me I told my best friend about this .. I told her I can’t talk .. it is hard for me to open topics .. so please you ask me .. and now she asks me .. so try at least telling one friend about that .. tell her that it is difficult for you to open the topic but you want to talk so let her help you by asking you how are you doing ..
    Wish you all the best

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